AGING & DYING FOR BEGINNERS
What You Should Know
by William Thomas
“Attention! All ancient and infirm passengers in the Departure Lounge, this is your Last Call to make end-of-life arrangements before boarding Reaper Airline’s nonstop service direct to Whatever Comes Next.
Bedlam ensues as panicked passengers attempt to buck a queue growing at the rate of 170,790 per day. Some seem resigned as they collapse into their assigned seats without bothering to buckle in. Others appear relieved.
“Excuse me, miss!”
“Sir, please take your seat until the captain turns off the ‘You’re Still Alive’ sign.”
“There’s been a terrible mistake! As someone totally opposed to dying, I planned on living to age 200. And judging by the faces around me, I’m not the only one.”
“Sir, you were asked to jettison a lifetime’s excess baggage prior to boarding. But you kept putting it off. So you’ll just have to deal with it the next time around. If there is a next time around.”
“But I’m not done with this one!”
“Please calm down and review the Aging and Exits cards in your seat pocket. On it you will find the business-hours number for Jane Waite, manager, Senior Services at 250-335-9112 (jane@hornbydenmanhealth.com) to learn what pre-checkout services are available. You can also call Home & Community Care at 250-338-5453.
“Additionally, the Hospice Society provides phone counseling and hospice for those at the end of life who are no longer seeking treatment. If you’re over the hill but not yet around that final bend, Home Support offers free rides to town, grocery shopping or deliveries, friendly visits, phone conversations and more. There’s also Personal Care assistance to help with meal preparation, paying bills, dressing yourself, taking showers or pills — and getting stuff down from the overhead bins.”
“I had no idea.”
“Cancer Clinics, Grief Clinics, On Our Way, Good To Go, the Elephant In The Room and Mourning cafes — the list of local agencies and volunteer organisations is more extensive than many realize. Green Burials may also be available to those who don’t wish to go up in smoke. Or turn their graves into hazardous waste sites.”
“That’s a lot of services.”
“Only 15% of British Columbians access Assisted Living and Longterm Care. Depending on urgency and availability, those who qualify for live-in care through Island Health will need a Case Manager to get rolling.
“There’s also Home Improvement Assistance to undertake safety renovations, such as wheelchair ramps and grab rails in the shower. Just be sure you do not begin work until you’ve been approved for those subsidies. There are no reimbursements for eager beavers.”
“My wife was pretty upset. She found my body last Tuesday and didn’t know what to do with it. The recycling depot doesn’t open till Friday.”
“Better to have provided your family with the Memorial Society’s popular free pamphlet, What To Do If Someone Dies In Your Home. Ask Friends & Neighbours or your physician for the Denman number to arrange removal of the deceased from either island.”
“Why am I learning this now?”
“You never made inquiries while you still had time. Now your beloveds get to experience the consequences of your procrastination and death denial.”
“That hurts.”
“If two doctors agree that your pain is too unbearable to sustain life-at-any-price, roll up your sleeve and press MAID on your inflight entertainment console.”
“What does ‘too unbearable’ mean?”
“That is the question. Although Medical Assistance In Dying requires many procedural safeguards, when a life of agony is no longer a life worth living, MAID has helped patients exit Hornby without taking the ferry. Or…”
“Or?”
“Press MOVIE to view the film, “How To Deal With Death”. Screened at the aptly named New Horizons, it follows octogenarian comedian Miriam Margolyn’s travels around Scotland interviewing remarkable people dealing with death separation or their own terminal illnesses. It’s hilarious! And quite inspiring. Seeing someone crack jokes while squeezing her considerable personage into a sample coffin, you’ll surely agree that humour in the face of croaking is the best palliative.” “Very funny. In case you haven’t noticed, death is the ultimate black hole. It’s sooo scary. Because it’s so… unknown!”
“Why worry about it? You’ll be dead.”
“That’s what I’m talkin’ about!"
“Speaking from personal experience, sir, my two out-of-body experiences were quite pleasant. Besides the fascinating vantage of looking down on your body, stepping outside of it feels as liberating as taking off a tight pair of shoes.”
“Why can’t I just wear sandals?”
“If you require further assistance with your footwear or preferred accommodation on the Other Side, please dial 9-1-1-G-O-D on your cell. Or simply tune into Infinite Consciousness before returning your defibrillator to its upright and stowed position. Remember, always follow the light. Whether your guides are embodied or not, you will never be alone during your return to Source.”
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People who have died rveal why they came back -indy100.com