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The Night Before Christmas (Revised) | William Thomas Online | William Thomas

The Night Before Christmas (Revised)



THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

 

(REVISED)

 

by William Thomas

 

 

 

T'was the night before Christmas and all thru the house,

Those not comatose were still pretty soused.

So when the creature crept up to the tree by the hall,

Her worried squeal said, "I don't understand this at all."


 

Stockings hung from the mantle would make cozy nests,

Stuffed with pretty wrapping paper just for this guest.

Spying a glass of milk next to a plate of fresh cookies,

Yahoo! the mouse thought. This is better than nooky!



Knocking over the milk, she sampled the gingerbread,

Until a voice boomed, "Paws up! Don't move, I'm a fed!"

The poor little mouse like to died right there and then,

"If you shoot," she squeaked, “just don’t say when."

 

Jessica Florence photo


Turning, she saw a round bearded fellow all in red.

Covered in ash and grey soot, he looked half-dead

From lugging that worn bulging sack on his back

For some mysterious enterprise that cut him no slack.



Who was this freak? Where had his mission already led?

"You’re not real,” she said. “So I’m going back to bed."

"Don't mind me,” he laughed. “I'm supposed to be jolly.

Always up for a joke. Lots of laughs under the holly.


 

"What's your deal?" she asked. "Can’t you just wait?"

“Millions more to go,” he said, “and I'm running late.

I deliver gifts made by elves and get stuck in chimneys.

And if you believe that, you must be nuts or a rummy."

 

 

"Your nose is red," the mouse said. "And your breath...

People must leave drinks so you stay merry, I guess."

"Truth is," he replied, "I'd really rather have a Coke."

The mouse roared at such a hilarious late-night joke!

 

 

"Claus is the name," said the ample man in the red suit.

"Martha," said the mouse. "What's with the loot?"

"I'm just delivering this stuff, if you really must know.

With my Chernobyl reindeer, who have noses that glow."  

 

 


“Remember, Coca-Cola created the American Santa,

Before selling the Nazis bottles of Coke and then Fanta.

Coke attended those rallies draped with big swastikas,

‘Drinken Coca-Cola’ at Joe Goebbel’s Sportpalasts.”

  

"Do they know?" asked the rodent, pointing upstairs,

"That Coke and Christmas carry such freighted fares?” Fingering his lips, Claus made a shussing sound, 

"Lower your voice and I'll tell you what I've found...

 

 

“It all started with a Turkish monk named St. Nick      

Who saved young girls from slavery and helped the sick.

The fairies Aschenklas & Ru-Klaus came from Germany,

Before anyone knew it, faith and fun were in harmony.

  


“In 1821, an anonymous poem, ‘The Children’s Friend’

Made Santa Claus a gift bringer for keeps, not to lend.

Then came Livingston’s ‘A Visit From St. Nicholas’

Adding reindeer to a myth that still sounds ridiculous.


  


“In 1892, Thomas Nast first drew Santa in green,

But St. Nick’s red bishop’s robe was much better seen.

Then Coke gave Santa a beard white as unpeed snow,

A trademark jelly-belly and a jollity everyone knows.


 


“Sundblom’s Santa ditched his pipe and wedding ring,

An inconvenience in his profession, if that’s anything. Sometimes this Santa wore his belt backwards, as well,

Another clue he had been sent from credit card hell.”


 

"Is that you Herald? I thought we were done,”

Came a woman’s distant call requesting more fun.

"Right here beside you," came a voice gruff and sleepy.

"If you haven't even noticed, I find that kind of creepy."

 

 

"Then who's that downstairs messing with the mouse?

Who is it talking to – who's in our house?"

Came a scurrying and a loud clatter up on the roof,

Reindeer droppings & spilled milk the only solid proof…

 


Haddon-Sundblom-santa-Playboy

 


Something had happened, the cops were pretty sure,

Before running home to keep their own spouses pure,

‘Lest that fat joker show up with his big bag of tricks,

And a white-muzzled sidekick looking for licks.

 

 

F-16 crunch



As Santa hauled junk in his blacked-out stealth sled,

A pursuing F-16 struck Prancer and left him for dead.

The pilot ejected and Prancer did, too,

Sharing the same chute, as if made for two.

 

 

Which left Santa and the mouse to deal with a sleigh

That ran crooked and refused to climb – no way.

“This flight’s non-smoking” said the transgender rodent,

“So stow that old pipe, please, just for the moment.”

 

 

Whether you're naughty or still considering being nice,

Be careful what you wish before rolling these dice,

Because whether your Christmas comes early or late,

You can’t chug holiday soda karma and duck your fate.

 

 

If you think rotten teeth is not such a great gift,

Try diabetes for causing such a rift

Between a plagiarized pagan festival and a sales pitch,

That turned a rotund dude into a way to get rich.

 

 

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