Oh, Rats! | William Thomas Online | William Thomas

Oh, Rats!

Yo, dude!



By William Thomas



Did you say you were fully invested, or fully infested?




By what?


They're eating everything! Rolls of tp, bags of oatmeal, rubber jar lids. Expensive rubber jar lids. Chomp chomp chomp in the dark. My hideout only has one room. I'm not getting any sleep.


What exactly is chewing on your dreams?


Large rodents.


What kind of large rodents?




Great Big Norwegian Roof Rats?


Right off the work barge down in the cove. Before the new docks were completed, they'd taken over the island.


Get a cat.


I'm allergic to cats.


Borrow one.


I did. They ate it. That's a joke. The cat ran away. Can't say I blame him. Or her.


kill that rat!

Rat repellent!

So what are you going to do right now?




Besides that. After that.


Kill. Them. All.


That's very Christian.


It's why I'm always shouting, "Jesus Christ, another God Blessed rat!"


I see.


Of course, I want to live in harmony with my rodent brothers and sisters seeking shelter from the cold and rain. I only ask that they exercise some discretion and let me sleep. But rats and mice have zeeeero sense of boundaries! In their nightly taunts, they seem to enjoy making humans even crazier than we already are.  


Look, I’ve asked them to leave. Ordered them to leave. Begged. Prayed. Cajoled. Told them I wanted a divorce. Unhappily, rodents are driven by conditioning, instinct, opportunity, family needs and greed. Just like humans. 


Now you’re calling us lab rats.


What else would you call your life but an ongoing experiment? It’s not as if you’ve read the manual.


rat with machine gun

Human repellent….

It is well-known that rat and mice moms sing to their young. Rodents love to play. And they mourn deceased kin.


It is also no secret that rats are amazingly fast-breeding vermin that can destroy innocent structures and human health if left unchecked.


So why not set out some "rodent hotels"? Mice and rats can't resist. Nor can they survive the mouthfuls of poison they take back to their hideout to share with the wife and kids – toxins developed from the chemical warfare agents used against humans in WWI, and later spread by Scuds before a Desert Storm. Those red poison blocks work quick. Shrivels them up like prunes.


Ever smell a dead rat rotting inaccessibly in your walls? Or kill your neighbour's cat? Or watch an eagle dying grotesquely in your yard?




Me neither.


What about setting traps? You know. Those super-sized wooden catapults powered by giant springs that look like they came off a siege engine.


Gee, why didn't I think of that?


I don't know. Just about anyone else would have.


Durak! Those things can snap bones. The other night, I set four of them across the floor. Then forgot they were there when I got up in the dark to pee. Stepped on one in my bare feet. Hopped away yowling and sprang a second one. Now I have two fat purple toes that don't like walking and don't do shoes.


Bet all that ruckus scared the rats.


I bet I heard them laughing.


great big norwegian rat

Isn't it fascinating that you're constantly being awoken in the early morning hours like some sleep-deprivation experiment? After a week of broken REM sleep, you're a lurching clumsy wreck, reduced to whimpering when you can't open the jam jar.


You're point?


An old – older – geezer clocking that much broken sleep after a heart attack could endanger his health.


Then you understand: it's them or me!


Yes, but...


What was that?




Hear that? Now they're back in the ceiling! Clomp clomp clomp. They must be wearing lead dive boots.


dining out

Dining out at thoughtfully-provided home feeding stations.

Remember in First Blood when Rambo descended into that old mine shaft and all those rats swarmed squealing over his hyper-manly naked torso? Those terrible sounds and images jumped directly into your central nervous system. And you can never delete them.


There ought to be laws against giving rats Hollywood roles. The body thinks whatever it sees is real. I've still got PTSD from that scene.


Or how about that medieval torture where they locked a cage around the face of a prisoner? With the starving rats in it. That must be kind of like what you felt when that mouse woke you up by dropping onto your face in the pitch dark. Hard to say who was more surprised – Mister Mouse or you. 


Warning! Warning! You are heading for a large drop-off.


How about those Four Corners deaths? Don't you worry about all the diseases rats carry? When all those poop pellets dry out and plague dust wafts through your lungs?


You're probably thinking of that elderly woman over by the ferry landing who gradually got sicker and sicker until she died. And no one could understand why.


Until your friends went in to clean the house and ended up in full hazmat gear there was so much ratshit in the ceiling and walls.


See that door over there? You can open it and walk through it right now. Or keep talking and pass through without opening it, real soon.


Rats have to keep gnawing to prevent their teeth from growing right through their snouts. They love to chew the insulation around electrical wiring. Two bare wires come in contact. You flip a switch and wonder why the lights don't come on. That night the whole place burns down. Country living, neh?


Door. Open or shut? Choose now.

“I Smell A Rat,

“I smell a rat.”

ms rat

Take me to your... 


 发件人     William Thomas 2018