NEW EARTH DISCOVERED!
By William Thomas
Beijing.... Chinese space scientists said they were ‘stunned and astonished” today after telemetry from their “Project Lifeboat” deep-space probe sent back clear imagery of an Earth-like planet.
The autonomous space vehicle has been out of communication for nearly two decades. Launched by the China space Agency almost half-a-century ago, no one yet knows exactly where it is.
“Travelling at 270,000 kilometers per hour for so long means it must be way out there,” enthused Dr. Mai Ling. China’s “First Lady of Space” heads an effort by the world’s six spacefaring nations she whimsically calls, “Abandon The Ship”.
China’s primitive probe has nevertheless provided a full-spectrum ‘portrait’ of this possible New Earth to go with what are said to be, ‘blurry but legible’ photographs peering through ‘excessive suspended particulates’.
Reached by satellite phone in the China’s remote Mongolian space center, Dr. Ling said that the mystery planet is about the same size as our own.
“This means that gravity is Earth-normal,” she explained. “Readouts show fresh water and breathable oxygen, though both appear to be in limited and diminishing supply,” she cautioned.
One other thing, the rocket scientist reluctantly added. The mystery planet “seems to be inhabited by a technologically advanced race of humanoid aliens.”
The good news is “they aren’t shooting at our probe yet.”
The bad news: This possible New Earth may not remain habitable for long.
“Bipedalism, stupidity and eventual extinction must be hallmarks of all so-called ‘advanced’ technological civilizations. Because these strange beings appear to be trashing their own nest,” Dr. Ling said, adding an untranslated word in Mandarin.
“Whatever these creatures are – and whatever their beliefs – they don’t seem to understand that, just like ourselves, they are living onboard a space colony with a paper-thin atmosphere hurtling through the freezing, irradiated vacuum of deep space.”
The tip-top US military commander called for immediate ‘retaliation’ against the aliens.
“Whatever they’re up to, it can’t be good,” warned General H. “ Hoist” Petard as US forces in 170 nations went on full alert. “Not if they’re not peaceful like us. Like the lady said, these creatures are obviously too stupid to manage themselves. If left unchecked, these ugly, foul-smelling, tentacle-waving, bug-eyed air-breathers will soon menace the entire solar system.”
Asked why everything looks like a nail to someone whose only tool is a hammer, the general responded, “I say we follow the first military maxim: ‘Do Unto Others Before They Do It To You.’ Nuke the bug-eyes now. Then send in the marines to take over whatever areas aren’t too hot to resettle. And start evacuating the ‘space colony’ we’re already on. And cracking up.”
“‘Bug eyes’ sounds like ‘ragheads’ and ‘gooks’,” protested the archbishop of New York. “Will prejudice and cosmic colonialism never end? We have no right to kill or displace these aliens. Unless, of course, they refuse to accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.”
“Screw that. The US of A is so done with always having to be Mr. Nice Guy,” declared that nation’s new president during the ensuing media frenzy outside the refurbished Trump White House Tower. “Be nice, pay the price. We don’t need any more immigrants trying to scarf what we’ve stolen from everyone else.”
After the cheering finally died down, the putative billionaire in charge of the US Treasury added, “Everyone knows I’m always ready to cut a deal. This is no different. The terms are simple: Buy these aliens’ compliance at our best price. Or scatter their cannoli all the way out to Neptune!”
The head of a rvolutionary presidency next called on every nation to helps erect a fence around the entire planet, to "keep the bug-eyes out.”
The combed-over Commander In Thief ended with a pledge: “If we find any raping and looting aliens collecting welfare here in the greatest country in the solar system – we’ll confiscate their stuff and send ‘em all back!”
Dr. Ling now says, “So sorry.” A transposed command among 135 million lines of computer code meant that the probe never left orbit and is still “circling the Earth.” “Made in China. Whaddya expect?” trumpeted Trump. “That’s what happens when you use cheap Walmart rockets.”
Beijing reacted sharply to the slur, threatening to transform Trump into a ‘homeless street urchin’ by nuking the dollar.
Speaking from Kyoto, Abbot Nichi Ren called the lesson a profound Zen koan: ‘How many Earths can there be if there is only one? Instead of looking for another planet to destroy, perhaps we should take better care of this one. Of course,” added the renowned Buddhist teacher with a twinkle in his eye, “how can anyone say that some of our space sisters and brothers did not tamper with this rocket, turning it into a ‘Mirror Mission’ to show us... ourselves?”
But human rights activists around the globe called on all people – especially ‘ignorant US leaders’ – to heed what they are now calling, “The greatest wake-up call since a moon-traveler snapped that first floating blue marble’ picture of Earth hanging like a Christmas ornament – or a unique galactic oasis – alone in deep dark space.
Others speculated that the Chinese deliberately staged a hoax to get the world’s attention.
“It’s the Parable of the Last Lemmings,” suggested Nobel Laureate Mastabi Motiba. “Our final opportunity to ‘get the message’ in this Last Chance Century.”
President Trump vowed to build the world fence anyway.
“Electing Trump didn’t help him enter everyone else’s reality tunnel,” commented Elaine Gizzard of Greencease. “This seems to be a problem for his followers, whose idea of ‘foreign’ is a new mall. Old money bags is not just politically incorrect. He’s politically incoherent. And appointing Sarah Palin as his new Secretary of State isn’t going to help anyone. Especially Palin.”
The next probe being sent to detect other Earths is scheduled to launch from Cape Kennedy next August. If enough cash can be collected to fuel its fiery take-off. And if a tent city of homeless squatters removed from the launch area.
“The US is tired of paying for everything,” President Trump whined. “You think it’s not expensive blowing the crap out of some Third World country, then going in to occupy it and keep shooting people for another twenty, thirty... hell, indefinitely? Don’t forget, we gotta bribe our ‘allies’ to join us. And that ain’t cheap, either. Even if we are listening to their phone calls.”
“So stop bombing everyone and throwing the survivors in prison camps!” shouted a heckler. Choosing to stay in outer space, Trump ignored her.
“If people think they’re going to ride our space buses to some new Shangri-La, they should get a life. And pony up. The mighty US of A is now accepting serious contributions for the coming exodus to our New Earth.”
“That would pay to provide clean drinking water to every kid on Earth!” the kibitzer came back.
“But most of them aren’t white,” Trump pointed out as security moved in. “Hell, ninety-six-percent of the people on this planet don’t live here. So screw ‘em. I guess they’re all just out of luck.”
“AAAAAAGHH!” shouted the protester as she was tasered and slumped to the floor.
“Is this the greatest country or what?” shouted Trump, bringing 150,000 fans screaming to their feet. Many appeared to be giving the stiff-armed Nazi salute.
“I guess that means the bug-eyes are trumped,” Secretary of Drilling Palin joked to Sec Def Wastemoreland behind the podium. “If those aliens aren’t with us and the president isn’t and the greatest country on the best Earth ever is, I’m with the general. This is no time to be soft on alienism!”