Merry Christmas, You Pagans | William Thomas Online | William Thomas

Merry Christmas, You Pagans




By William Thomas



T'was the longest night before god's Sun shone through the land, 

And every creature was rockin' and lovin' to beat the band.

His Mom was quite extra special, you dig, 

And Light returning to the world – well, this was big.

It’s an old midnight story of that other Madonna and her infant, of course,

When celebrants left Nativity rituals happily crying, “The Virgin has brought forth!”


Then came three Magi invoked for their healing herbs and spices,

With the words, “Pray for us now and at the hour of our deaths” later copied without license.


We’re not talkin’ Bethlehem, Jesus and Mary – a story quite porous,

But of ancient Egypt, Rome, Greece, Mesopotamia, Persia, Mithra, Diana, Artemis, Ishtar, Isis and Horus.

The Babylonians bowed before the Queen of Heaven,

While in Semitic lands, Isis became Astarte with gold stars numbered seven.


As for the death and resurrection of Osiris, also known as Horus,

Plutarch describes joyous processions celebrating the dead God reborn, in chorus.


Isis & Mary


Isis and Her baby Horus were later recast as Mary and Her child, Aurilus recorded,

In iconic carvings and imagery too profuse for either to be readily deported.


Yet the Virginity of Christ‘s mother the Bible never mentions nor throws any roses,

Though Dionysus was born of a Virgin – like Hercules, Merlin and Moses.


So too, Pythagoras, Plato and Alexander all issued from women blessed by the holy spirit 

Who was really a “she” ghost until changed to a “he” by those who wouldn’t hear it.


The whole thing was really wrapped up in Virgo giving birth to the Sun on the year’s darkest night.

But Pope Pius IX waited until December 1854 to declare the Immaculate Conception was actually right.


Still, the gospels never mention the date of Christ’s birth,

And the early Church didn’t celebrate it, until noticing Rome’s mirth.


Mithra rock birth pagan Christ


For Mithraism was bigger than Gladiators, and worshipped as far as Westphalia,

Until the Romans threw in Saturn at Solstice, and called their festival Saturnalia.



Now Saturn was the god who controlled the pulse of plants and planets, you see.

Until Emperor Valerian in 274 declared December 25th the birthday of Sol Invictus, with glee.


So Christianity became a hard sell with each party-goer,

Who enjoyed gift-giving when an Unconquerable Sun didn’t get any lower.


The “Son" of God latecomers charged that earlier festivities were all works of the devil,

But for thousands of years the Sun God had first dibs on those who would revel.


Augustine was choked, and badgered his brethren, “Don’t celebrate this heathen day of old Sol.”

Paul was pissed, too, and Leo likewise rebuked a swingin’ season that was not properly droll.

So when even 4th century Christians refused to give up celebrating the 12-day Yule this way, 

Church leaders outlawed pagan fun, and moved the Nativity to this day – make that  January 7 for Orthodox Christians.

After co-opting Mithraism, the Church “Fathers” must have partaken intoxicating fluids, 

To use tall tapers for Christmas High Mass and Mistletoe sacred to the Druids.

For those ancient Priests of the Oak loved decorating pines like early Solstice TV   pilots,  

In bright woolen bands to encourage new crops, and candle-lit strings of the prettiest violets.


The candles came from ancient Aryan Yule ceremonies, not to light ditches,

But to ward off the thunder, storm and tempest gods – and later, witches.

Yet even in the newest Christian nation, Jesus never made it onto the dollar bill,

Where the Eye of Horus looks over a Masonic Pyramid still.


At least Saint Nicolas was a real 11th century bishop, you see,

A persecuted prelate who after his death became a cult figure in Italy.


The Greeks and Russians were also major Nicolas fans, which was hardly shocking,

For he was said to give money to good needy families, in that first Christmas stocking.


The Dutch called Saint Nick, Sinterklaas – you see where this is going...

Brought by immigrants to America, he became “Santa Claus” and kept right on growing.


It turns out that Dutch kids not busy at leaky dikes were used to receiving presents put down the chimney,

While Boxing Day saw Norman French nuns giving to the poor from their church’s alms box, nice and simply.


The Germans brought over the Christ Bundle, which they called Christkindl.

But Americans couldn’t speak their lingo, and referred to “Kris Kringle.”


When Clement Clark Moore wrote a poem tagged “A Visit From Saint Nicholas”,

His tale of eight reindeer was repackaged as “The Night Before Christmas”.


Harpers Weekly paid Thomas Nast to draw Santa Claus cartoons during a bleak Civil War with so many dead.

And later the McLaughlin Brothers printing company debated colors for Santa’s garb, and decided on red.


In 1931, Coca Cola hired Haddon Sundblom to draw Santa as a new brand.

And children still love that Scandinavian’s jolly countenance right across the land.


In 1941, the strummin’ cowboy Gene Autry recorded the runaway hit, “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” 

And nearly 4,000 years of pagan idolatry morphed into Christ, Coke and Consumption using smoke and a mirror.


So there is nothing Christian* about Christmas, at least not at first.

Just more hocus pocus from controlling men without mirth.

They’re with us still, the latest myth-makers I mean.

But I’d rather enrich than disturb your sweet Christmas dream.



(*If you prefer Webster’s historical citation)


Cosmas Hierosolymitanus; Catechism of the Catholic; The Golden Bough; Fallen Angel; New Advent Catholic Encyclopedia; New Testament; schooloftheseasons.com; gardenspirit.net; cuttingedge.org

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