An Interview With God | William Thomas Online | William Thomas

An Interview With God


by William Thomas

WILLIAM THOMAS: Thank you for responding to my email. Let me play a clip from that redacted interview you did with Canadian CNN.

GOD: If you must.





RICHARD QUEST (turning to God, who is clutching a mug stamped with the station logo while trying to get comfortable in a studio chair) What was your childhood like?

GOD: Very dark. Pitch black, actually. I couldn't see a thing. Not that it mattered, since there was nothing to see. Also, there was no sound. Total echoing silence. Which is a very freaky kind of echo.


RICHARD QUEST: Sounds like the worst kind of solitary confinement imaginable.

GOD: I thought I was going batshit crazy. Also, I was bored out of my gourd.


RICHARD QUEST: So you said, “Let there be light.'  

GOD: Oh, I can’t take credit for that. It was Yehlh the Raven who discovered the sun, moon and stars in a box and threw them like Frisbees across the heavens.

RICHARD QUEST: Impressive. Even for a raven. How long did this take?

GOD: How would I know? All this was before my time.


RICHARD QUEST: (laughs) You're a comedian. Who knew?

GOD: S'truth. Before this universe came into existence, there was no Time. Ask Stephen Hawking.


RICHARD QUEST: He doesn't believe in you. He says a Creator isn't needed because another religion called Quantum Physics says that everything arises spontaneously, bubbling up from the Quantum Soup.

GOD: Ah, but who is the chef?


RICHARD QUEST: Getting back to your childhood in that dark, soundproof nowhere and nowhen. Is that PTSD-inducing experience why you created the seven-day week, opioids, the vast heavens and crazy Earth?

GOD: Earths. Multiverses, remember? Parallel. But different.


RICHARD QUEST: You mean on another Earth Hitler was a philanthropist and Mother Theresa a serial killer?


GOD: I admit things got out of hand. I started making stuff and couldn't stop. The whole thing just exploded.


RICHARD QUEST: You're referencing the Big Bang.

GOD: That came later. When I invented orgasms.


RICHARD QUEST: Cut that out. This interview is intended for family viewing.

GOD: Aw…

Spacecraft Finishes Mapping Cosmic Microwave Background -WIRED

Spacecraft Finishes Mapping Cosmic Microwave Background -WIRED


RICHARD QUEST: Continuing from the astronomical Big Bang… Measurements of background cosmic radiation indicate that 13.799 thousand million years after that initiating silent explosion, the momentum of every galaxy, solar system and molesting Hollywood ’star' should be slowing down, even starting to contract.

GOD: Seems reasonable. Entropy, morality and all that. Even in a frictionless vacuum, everything eventually runs down.


RICHARD QUEST: Instead, our best sensors still show red-shifts in every direction. Which means this universe – which is apparently flat as a pizza with raisins in it, by the way – is continuing to accelerate and expand. Your own immutable Laws of How Stuff Works say this is impossible. Yet it's happening. How do you account for this?

GOD: What kind of pizza has raisins in it?


RICHARD QUEST: If the universe is infinite, how can its expanding wavefront have an edge or a boundary? And what is it expanding into?

GOD: Just like Earth, the universe has no edge. Like all circles, it’s recursive. Which means it's endless, not infinite. Stop asking nonsensical questions while standing on the surface of an expanding balloon. Just pray it doesn’t pop.

similarities between Jesus and Mithra

Until Emperor Constantine made Christianity Rome’s state religion, Mithraism counted many more adherents than the less popular Sect of the Nazarenes.


RICHARD QUEST: Except for that 500-year glitch with those peace-loving, goddess-worshipping Minoan feminists, ever since you were first codified in Egyptian hieroglyphs, Mayan stelae, the Norse Sagas of the Vikings, the Hindi Bhagavad-Gita, the Torah, Bible Comix, Mel Gibson's gore fest, and the sacred Qur'an, the number one chief God – head chef, you might say – has always been a father figure, universally referred to as 'He' and 'Him'.

GOD: So?


RICHARD QUEST: By definition, God is perfect and without restriction. Yet nobody can argue that sex and gender aren't constant challenges for role-restricted, hormone-addled light beings having a human experience. Your claim to be a Big Daddy God instantly disqualifies you from Unlimited Supreme Beinghood. 

GOD: I'm not claiming anything. It's people who keep making up stories about me and putting words in my mouth. And male appendages on the body they nevertheless insist I don't even have.



20 children killed in Oklahoma twister

20 children killed by God in Oklahoma twister


GOD: Okay. I get it. Everybody wants a Super Dad to take care of them. Or knock them around.


RICHARD QUEST: What’s that about?

GOD: Tough love, bro. Tough love.  


RICHARD QUEST: There you go. Ever since the first Neanderthal was crisped by a lightning bolt, you’ve been accused of screwing with people’s lives.

GOD: (defensively) Me a meddler? What do you call geoengineering and GMOs?

RICHARD QUEST: Forgive me for saying this, but are you mentally okay? From what I’ve seen, you often act paranoid. And you seem remarkably thin-skinned for a deity who should be ‘above it all’. 

GOD: Is that all?

RICHARD QUEST: Since you asked, in all your guises as a divine presence, you seem to pander to the blood- thirsty. You also indulge in inflicting calamities on the most hapless transgressors of your often bizarrely antiquated orders and stipulations. 

GOD: Membership in a cult – your French word for church – is not supposed to be easy. Surprisingly, the more difficult and beneficial practice is where you sit still – maybe on your porch or back deck, if the weather isn’t insane – watching your thoughts without judgement and looking out your eyes. 

Sundays used to be a good day for this. Back when more pious folks still observed that buy-nothing day of rest and reflection. Respectful reverence for my unfold-ing creation is, of course, a daily spiritual requirement.  

RICHARD QUEST: Sunday is also my unplug-all-computers-and-electronics and contemplate-insightful- teachings day. 

But your recruitment rap is a booby-trap. Because in fact and alas, all those who do not sign up for your peculiar mishmash of insight, wisdom, mayhem, poetry, intolerance and superstition – which includes most of this planet’s human and all of its wild population – are condemned to hell-on-earth, or just plain hell in a rocket-propelled handcart without even a summary trial. 

GOD: Be careful. Hell is not just a scary story to keep the gullible in line. It's a karmic metaphor for eternal separation from the spirit within. And you’d better start owning the pending climatic collapse of your alleged civilization, followed by likely human extinction. You’re doing it to yourselves.

Relatives carry corpses of civilians killed in air strike. -Youssef Boudlal Reuters

Racist indifference compounds culpability. Relatives carry corpses of family members killed in another American-led air strike. -Youssef Boudlal /Reuters

RICHARD QUEST: Good points. But if ‘terrorism’ means blowing apart innocent lives and families, don’t tell me there is no connection between the most violent and disruptive terrorist state on this planet and its official and uncritical worship of an Abrahamic God and a sadistically-tortured messiah executed on a cross beneath which a lot more blood has been shed. 

GOD: You can’t beat that for branding!

RICHARD QUEST: It’s right up there with cannibalism. 

GOD: Transubstantiation. Yum yum.  

RICHARD QUEST: As a knee-jerk symbol rivalling the stars and stripes, the crucifix is hard to beat. But both religious emblems celebrate bloodshed and the militant exclusivity of a myopic and indulgent tribe whose self-entitled members see themselves as constantly besieged.  

GOD: Which they are. But mostly by themselves. As for nonstop violent video games and imagery, constant White House threats to ‘annihilate’ countries that don’t do its bidding, slaughters called wars, mass media hypnosis, fearful shadow-side projection, fundamentalist fulminations, drugged-out suicidal despair, and enough weapons and scattered corpses to swamp all other countries combined… possibly begetting more violence? Duh!

RICHARD QUEST: Can’t you Tweet or post something to Facebook telling your followers to chill?

GOD: Sure. Right behind the recanting jihadists.

RICHARD QUEST: There is no difference! The Taliban and the Trumpists are using the same words to describe the same viciously ignorant threat. Namely, themselves.

GOD: You're pretty clever with words yourself... 

RICHARD QUEST: If only the clever were wise. 

GOD: After nearly 70 years stumbling around as a walk-in, how are you coming with the whole enlightenment trip?

RICHARD QUEST: I'm just an old fool. Another one of your sinners. Graduation appears uncertain this time around.

GOD: Despite some great teachers.

RICHARD QUEST: Besides many instructive interactions with dogs, cats and horses, I have been blessed by eyeball-to-eyeball encounters with a wolf, an elephant, an eagle and a humpback whale. Each of those wise beings was a lot further along than me.

GOD: A pantheist, eh?


RICHARD QUEST: Just another sailor at home in the dark. Funny how over-civilized humans, who worship invisible entities on hearsay, are so quick to disparage ‘primitive', ‘pagan', and 'superstitious’ tribes with enough sense to pay homage to forces as awesome and accessible as the sun, killer whales, ravens, tigers and crows. My totem animal is the crow.

GOD: Lucky you. Don Juan recommended becoming one with God by becoming one with a crow.



GOD: What's your main toe-stubber?


RICHARD QUEST: Paying attention. Staying present. Stopping the chattering mind.

GOD: Ever think of dialling it back? Talking to you is like addressing a howitzer.

RICHARD QUEST: Just trying to keep our conversation real.

GOD: As an editor once complained, you use such loaded language.

RICHARD QUEST: I challenged him to pick out a single 'hyperbolic’ word in my article that was inaccurate or imprecise. He couldn’t. You don’t find reality ‘loaded’?

GOD: Every barrel.

Now what? -Zipporah Mushala/glofire

RICHARD QUEST: A capricious deity overseeing hell still sounds like Nazis and the ovens to me. But in your version of Armageddon, every living creature more complicated than a giant tube worm slurping a hydro-thermal vent at the bottom of the ocean – except, of course, those naked raptured bible thumpers – croaks in the most horrific agonies you can devise.

GOD: Bit harsh, don’t you think? 

RICHARD QUEST: My description? Or your revenge?

GOD: You calling me schizoid, dictatorial, prudish and genocidal? 


RICHARD QUEST: When I’m being polite. I’m thinking this might be a good time to lose the whole he, him, man, patriarch, king and so overwhelmingly male God thing and just go gender neutral and divinely natural. 

GOD: (startled) You’re my manager now?

RICHARD QUEST: You’ll be right in synch with people who can relate to you. Or at least listen to your story. 

GOD: Okay, I do have this sadistic streak. This… anger problem. Neither would affect me if I wasn’t stuck with these male human attributes. I see a couple kissing. It’s obvious they’re really in love... Or take families in some desperate circumstance in submerging Bangladesh, or some hardscrabble shack in Appalachia, where the kids come home barefoot, wearing little more than rags. But they’re clean rags, lovingly mended. 


Appalachia poverty

RICHARD QUEST: I didn’t mean…

GOD: I'm not an unfeeling robot. Acts of human courage, generosity and affection – especially affection – make me feel left out and so goddamned alone. I mean that word precisely. Because I'm damned to eternal solitude because I’m God. And sometimes – yeah – the care and concern couples and families show each other seem to mock my own terrible isolation. And then my love for them turns to rage.

(crying and laughing) Sometimes I cheer when a storm surge plunges some doomed populace underwater. Or when another greed-blinded corporation rips the top off another mountain and devastates what was already a bare bones existence. So help me… God. 

RICHARD QUEST: But people everywhere sing your praises. Their ethereal hymns and down-home gospel tunes evoke such love for you, surely that must provide solace. That’s one of the big reasons you created us, right?

GOD: They don’t know me. Can’t really know me. Instead, they’re worshipping projections of their own panicked egos  not realizing they don’t die. Until you step off the wheel, everything make a circle. Matter into energy recycled back into matter without loss: e=mc2

RICHARD QUEST: That’s it? We die and become part of what, some big solar flare? 

GOD: Sorry. No plot spoilers from me. 

RICHARD QUEST: The big question is, does individual consciousness remain coherent after the last neuron winks out?

GOD: The bigger question is, why do you think consciousness is confined to your skull? That’s like saying the Canucks game you’re listening to is inside your radio.

RICHARD QUEST: Is this why hu-man means 'spirit person’? 

GOD: All spirit people would do well to remember that they're temporarily embodied beings of light – as science has shown  who will one day discard their bodies and once again move at the speed of light-squared. But instead of getting the lessons they keep arranging for themselves, too many folks just want me to send them presents. And do all the heavy lifting. It doesn’t work that way. 


RICHARD QUEST: And yet we keep coming back.

GOD: Why do you think so many energetic spirits are lining up to go back? To be embodied again, they’ll gladly put up with the pain of heartbreak, illness, injury and death. Just to feel a warm breeze, or the hands of a warm and willing partner, caress their skin again.


RICHARD QUEST: But you’re God.

GOD: Don’t you get it? It’s all about being in your own skin! And I will NEVER KNOW THAT. Ha! The God who supposedly rules the universe, has everything and wants for nothing will never experience what the lowliest beggar has high-fiving his mates on a warm summer day. Yet how many of your viewers are squirming over the image of healthy sensuality you’ve posted above? 

RICHARD QUEST: Sun’s over the yardarm. Let’s break for a stiff drink.

GOD: Suits me.

Interview With God continued…

PART 2.    





“RESIST MUCH, OBEY LITTLE”   发件人     William Thomas 2023